Have you ever let your laundry get to the point of no return?
This is basically my life — until I let it get the point of no return and then some. The same goes for my personal spaces.
Have you ever let your car get to a state of uncleanliness to the point where you hope no one looks inside your windows to see what’s in there when they walk by? Or what about your room?
I’ve written about this before, but it’s still relevant.
I truly believe that the way you respect your personal spaces is how you essentially respect and feel about yourself.
I let my laundry get to an astronomical point of what felt like no return this last couple weeks. I did the same with my car space and my room to the point where it was getting so overwhelming I just ignored it (because, you know, ignoring it is so helpful).
I promised myself when I got my car back in November that I wouldn’t let it get to an unruly state — and I did.
My room is a place I find peace and solace in. It’s a place I want to keep clean as possible now, but for some reason I just let the surfaces go and became disgusted with myself, yet also unwilling to do anything about it.
Until this weekend.
For some reason, something flipped a switch in me on Friday night when I drove home. I finally realized that if I don’t do something now, then it’s not going to get done, period.
In the same way I treat my spaces, I usually find that the way I’m treating my body, mind, and soul line up the same respectively. So if any of my spaces are getting to the point of no return or my head is getting anxious over things I’m usually never worried about — there is definitely something wrong.
This past week, it got to such a bad point that I was making bad decisions, falling into old sin patterns, and my anxiety was at it’s all time highest because I felt like I had no control and stopped trusting in the process I am walking in. After a lot of time alone and in conversation with my counselor, I realized I have the power to control how much time I spend on caring for myself, my well-being, my spaces, and how often I choose rest over spending too much time in my head.
And I think that’s honestly what has made all the difference.
My biggest hurts come from my mind playing the victim reel and living in the lie that I can’t do anything to change what’s going on. I know in my head that it’s all a lie, but it is still very much a heart issue I am delving deeper into as I continue to heal and find solace in the shadow-season I am learning to take care in.
I was given a word that meant a lot to me on Sunday, a word that breathed life into my bones and reminded me of the soul inside my own flesh. It reminded me of the Father’s heart for my own, speaking straight into the season of loss and disappointment that I am now recovering from. It spoke to a place within me that still doubts that God provides for my every need — even financially.
And even so — God remains in the seasons of doubt, worry, and mess. He remains inside the hurriedness I feel pressured to walk in and grants me grace when I completely overstep or misunderstand. He still marvels at me when I am a complete and utter mess and He still sees my heart when I fail to see my own.
I am pure and I am free.
I am provided for and I am loved.
I am invited. I am invited.
He has called me and I am not my own, but His.
Even when I can’t see it. Even when it hurts. Even when I don’t understand.